Every morning you wake up to a mirror. A mirror unforgiving in the way it reveals your fears, your faults … the truths you don’t want to face.

Since the birth of my 3rd baby 5 months ago I’ve come head to head with my past self. I see her in my dreams, in those throwback photos and those intrusive thoughts that visit for many months postpartum.

I know most would assume I mean the free spirited woman I had become in my twenties. But I probably don’t see her in the same light that you do. I don’t long to be back there, not even for a minute.

So many people will tell you what motherhood takes from you … But what about what motherhood gives you? For me, it gave me myself. It’s returned myself to me. To the gentle, nurturing soft hearted girl I was growing up. Before life happened. They say you grow through what you go through and I guess I did in a way. But I became hard, detached, uncompromising, unforgiving, and fearless. I didn’t even look like me.

I spent years running across the globe trying to ‘find myself’. Without realising she was here all along, hidden beneath the pain I never deserved.

So forgive me if it looks like I ‘lost myself’ in motherhood. I will brag about how my babies are my absolute everything. And that I have literally hit pause on everything else right now. Because look what they’ve given me. They’re teaching me to lean into the things that bring me joy, to slow down, and to embrace what makes me, me. They’re teaching me that I don’t need to raise my voice to be heard, that I don’t need to shut down when things get tough, that it’s okay to cry, and that love can be so safe.

They do all of this unintentionally, these tiny little humans have just entered my life and turned my heart back into soft warm cookie dough. Or it could be the endless cookies we bake together haha. Nevertheless I love this little life my husband and I have built. I’ll take the 200 sticky finger prints on my walls, paint smeared on my bathroom taps, and 3 little shadows over anything I’ve ever had before.

I’m so so so tired, but I’m so so so full of love and joy.

– Haylee x (4551)